When
parents ask us this question we go straight to the Three Principles
that we feel guide and influence
everything we do. It’s our secret sauce in parenting, we call it LRB. It’s
more powerful than any tool or strategy we can give you.
Children
raised in an atmosphere of LRB feel loved, valued, sure of themselves,
respectful of others, and keen to participate and contribute to the family.
Children raised without LRB
feel conditionally loved, can lack confidence in their abilities, and may be
disrespectful to themselves and others. These children are more likely to
misbehave, be defiant and rebel.
What does LRB stand for?
*Unconditional love for
your child, no matter how they behave
*Respect for
your child’s ability to make choices and do things for themselves
*Belief in your child’s ability to learn
to manage the outcome of these choices
Autumn
Challenge:
Over the next few weeks, we will send you some simple ways to ensure you are incorporating
LRB in your parenting. Today’s focus is Unconditional Love and next we’ll follow up with
some ideas on Respect and Belief in your child. We’ll have you feeling great
about your parenting in no time!
Part 1 - Unconditional Love
We all
love our children. But if we take a look at what we actually say and do, what
might we see? What messages are we giving to our children in the words we
choose, the behaviors we display, and in the tone of our voice?
What children want is very simple -- love and approval from the parent. If we show, with our words and emotions, that we are angry or upset with our child over a certain behavior, the child may interpret it like this: Mom or Dad will love me more or less if I behave a certain way.
For
example, a child does something noteworthy at school or at home, and we
practically beam our love. But then, when he’s not doing his homework and
ignoring our reminders, we tense up and our tone becomes sharper. Or we snap. When
parents appear happy, sad or mad as a result of a child’s performance, the
child not only sees this judgment but internalizes good or bad feelings about
themselves.
With time,
it can become a given, a belief: How well I perform=How
much I am loved. This can feed a
feeling of insecurity that will be highly detrimental over time.
Losing a
parent’s love and approval hurts a child more than anything. And, it
will invite one of three reactions:
* The child tries to win our love back by being obedient or pleasing
* The child hurts us back, retaliates
* The child gives up and retreats into their shell
* The child tries to win our love back by being obedient or pleasing
* The child hurts us back, retaliates
* The child gives up and retreats into their shell
Whichever way, they are discouraged and will feel insecure.
Our solution to this dilemma is simple:
Love and
accept our children as they are. Recognize that performance varies in life,
goes up and down, but our love for our child does not. They need to know that
no matter how they perform, regardless of whether they succeed or fail, they
can count on our unconditional love and support. In an atmosphere of
unconditional love, our children will develop a strong sense of belonging,
and feel safe.
How do we do this in practice? Here are a few key ways…
1. Separate the deed from the doer. In other
words, I love you; I won’t always love your behavior.
We won’t always love everything our child does, but our love
for him is never in question. Say your child is not getting ready for school in
the morning. Even if you find yourself raising your voice more than you wished,
you can make sure he knows you’re blasting his behavior, not him. “Andrew, you
know I love you but I’m getting really frustrated at how long you’re taking
this morning!”
2.
Three Daily Greetings with Hugs
We like to
build unconditional love into every day with our children. Here’s an easy way
we suggest to all parents. It’s called the Three Daily Greetings with
Hugs. Hugging is fundamental to this ritual because it’s a physical
demonstration of our love. Of course you can share your love more frequently
but this is a powerful practice to start.
The first greeting in your child's day is in the morning. Instead of “Come on get out of bed, we don’t want to be late”, we like to say something warm and caring such as, “It's great to see you! I need one of your hugs. Last night's has all worn off”. Share the unbridled joy you feel seeing your child. Then you can focus on the needs of the morning, but get that greeting and close connection with your child in there first! They may say “Go away!” and pull the covers over their heads, but the message will get through.
The second greeting and hug in the day is when we reunite – when we get home from work or pick them up at school. Before anything else, we like to let our kids know they’re the most important person in that moment, with a hug, a warm greeting, or a few words about how we thought about them during that day. Then they might hit us with their lunch box and say “You make yucky lunches”, but we know the words of unconditional love got in there, and they learn yet again that they don't have to do anything to earn our love. It has nothing to do with their performance; it is there no matter what!
The final greeting in the day is bedtime. Even if things go off the rails and get ugly, it’s great to assure them of our love, with words and actions.
Affection can be easier for some parents than it is for others.
The first greeting in your child's day is in the morning. Instead of “Come on get out of bed, we don’t want to be late”, we like to say something warm and caring such as, “It's great to see you! I need one of your hugs. Last night's has all worn off”. Share the unbridled joy you feel seeing your child. Then you can focus on the needs of the morning, but get that greeting and close connection with your child in there first! They may say “Go away!” and pull the covers over their heads, but the message will get through.
The second greeting and hug in the day is when we reunite – when we get home from work or pick them up at school. Before anything else, we like to let our kids know they’re the most important person in that moment, with a hug, a warm greeting, or a few words about how we thought about them during that day. Then they might hit us with their lunch box and say “You make yucky lunches”, but we know the words of unconditional love got in there, and they learn yet again that they don't have to do anything to earn our love. It has nothing to do with their performance; it is there no matter what!
The final greeting in the day is bedtime. Even if things go off the rails and get ugly, it’s great to assure them of our love, with words and actions.
Affection can be easier for some parents than it is for others.
Even if
you have trouble with it, this is a good time to dig deep. Research shows over
and over again the power of closeness. It’s good for all children, even your
teenager. Affection can be as simple as a big smile or a loving rub of their
shoulder, or a wink from across the room. Or you might pull your child up onto
your lap for a cuddle, or have a wrestle on the floor. Little kids like hugs,
big kids like hugs.
The bottom line: Love is not supposed to be a tool to manipulate our children's behavior. It shouldn’t be used as a reward or punishment. When we shower our children with our unconditional love, it provides them with a secure and safe place to use their internal creativity, to grow, learn and flourish.
The bottom line: Love is not supposed to be a tool to manipulate our children's behavior. It shouldn’t be used as a reward or punishment. When we shower our children with our unconditional love, it provides them with a secure and safe place to use their internal creativity, to grow, learn and flourish.
Next time…
We’ll share our thoughts about having Respect for
our child’s ability to make choices and do things for himself.
Registration is in full swing! Early Bird Special ends in a week!
Whether you have a toddler or teen we have a Parenting Course for you:
ParentingI – Raising Great Kids
Preteen/TeenTeen – It’s a Whole New Ballgame!
Get in touch should you have any questions!
Warmly,
416-480-2499 & 416-944-0412
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